Harry Potter One Shots
by Pixel and Stephanie Forever
Summary: A collection of random oneshots that pop into my head. Was formally a stand alone fic, but is now a short series.
1. Harry Escapes A Murder Charge

Harry looked at the packed courtroom, and they looked back at him. He hated these things with a passion after the farce of a trial before his 5th year. The door opened and in walked Dumbledore and the other members of the judging panel. They sat down before Harry and Dumbledore looked at him as he spoke.

"Mr Potter" he said with a sorrowful voice. "Why did you kill Draco Malfoy by use of an axe, killing curse and sulphuric acid?" he asked. Harry had had enough of the old man after months of waiting around without a trial. He rose from his chair and looked directly at the Chief Warlock.

"It was for the greater good, sir" Harry said. Dumbledore's expression brightened at once, and he gave orders that Harry be set free.


	2. Look Before You Leap

"Oh I can't wait any longer" moaned Hermione.

"Me neither" said Harry. "Lets find a classroom" and they dived into the first one and locked it behind themselves. The pair kissed deeply as they tore at each others clothes, and soon they became naked. Harry pushed his lover onto a desk and began massaging her ample breasts, and Hermione moaned in contentment. While Harry was paying attention to her, she was holding Harry's ever hardening shaft and tugging at it and it stood to attention in no time. Harry dipped his finger into Hermione and found she was ready for him, so he positioned himself and received a nod from his lover. Hermione gave a scream as Harry tore her hymen to pieces, and then purred as the tempo increased.

"FUCK ME… FUCK ME… FUCK ME… FUCK ME!" screamed Hermione at the top of her voice.

"I'M CUMMING!" Harry said, and he exploded inside Hermione. They lay in each others embrace for only a moment until they both heard the sound of soft crying. They both sat up to see Professor Flitwick's First Year Charms class looking at them with horrified looks. Most of the children were sobbing at the sight they had just witnessed.

"MR POTTER! MISS GRANGER! WHAT IN THE NAME OF MERLIN ARE YOU DOING?" demanded Flitwick. Harry and Hermione looked at each other as they scrambled to get themselves decent again.

"Whooops" said the pair at once.

**A/N:**

**Comments?**


	3. Voldemort Versus The Queen of England

"Well if you can't be bothered to find people willing to deal with Voldemort, then we'll do it for you" Harry said, and he and Hermione stormed from the room.

"What do you think he is going to do?" asked Ron.

"I have no idea, Mr Weasley" Dumbledore said. "I think though that we will find out soon enough" and he was right.

#

"Your idea is most interesting, Mr Potter" said the woman. "But you yourself have said that no magic will work in the zone. And neither will anything electrical" she added.

"We have thought of that, Your Majesty" Hermione said. "Inside a warded area, nothing electrical can work. That means that you couldn't simply pace a bomb and run. The detonator would not work because it would be depleted. What we wondered was if we could borrow some of the RAF's older aircraft" and the Queen frowned.

"Why is that?" she asked.

"The planes built during World War 2 had engines that were powered by internal combustion engines. They wouldn't be affected by any wards put up around the manor" Harry explained. The Queen thought about it for a few moments, then she nodded and called to a footman.

"Go to my office and get me the Commanding Officer of RAF Cranwell" she ordered.

"Yes Ma'am" the footman bowed and hurried away as the Queen rose from her seat and left the room followed by Harry, Hermione and several security officers. The officers took up places outside the door as the Queen and the pair of magical teens went inside. The phone was waiting for her with the Station Commander on the other end.

#

"Surely you're not serious" said the Flight Commander.

"I am being serious. And stop calling me Shirley" said the Station Commander.

"I better let my crews know" said the Flight Commander, and he hurried from the office and hijacked a passing Land Rover to take him to the Battle Of Britain Memorial Flight offices.

#

"Standby, P-Piper" said the voice over the headset. "There are a number of people wishing to board you before take off" and the pilot sighed before removing his hand from the throttles. He saw the small vehicle race over to his aircraft and out popped two teenagers and a regal looking woman all in full flight suits.

"Bloody hell!" he exclaimed to his crew. "It's the bloody Queen" and the crew looked out the windows on the starboard side and saw them coming onboard. The pilot hurried out of his seat and made his way back towards the new arrivals. "Afternoon, Ma'am" he said, and offered his hand to the Queen. "Welcome aboard PA474" and the woman smiled.

"Good Afternoon, Group Captain" she greeted him. "I am sorry to delay your takeoff, but I simply had to be on this flight" and after some more talking the pilot returned to the cockpit and resumed the take off. After they had taken off and assumed a cruising speed and altitude, the co pilot went aft and the Queen took over. Harry and Hermione watched as Spitfires P7350, AB910, MK356, PM631, PS915, PS853 and TE311 along with Hurricanes LF363 and PZ865. Together they flew – fully fuelled and armed for combat – to a location that was only known to the Flight Commander, the Queen, Harry and Hermione. The two teens took turns in the turrets before they approached the target and the co-pilot returned to his place. The pilot then invited his Commander In Chief to take up the Bombardiers position which she did.

#

"My Lord!" Bellatrix came rushing into the hall.

"What is it?" Voldemort asked one of his more faithful followers.

"Muggles come close" Bellatrix said quickly.

"This is of no matter" Voldemort was not in a good mood. "Kill them at once" but Bellatrix replied that it was impossible to do so. "Why?" pressed the Dark Lord.

"They come in flying metal boxes, My Lord" came the reply.

#

The Spitfires and the Hurricanes had assumed a top cover formation, and the Lancaster came flying in from the south and the pilot held the plane steady.

"NOW!" he called out.

"BOMBs GONE!" shouted the Queen over the intercom. The pilot pulled the aircraft into a tight climb and turn as the sixteen 500IB bombs streamed from the bomb bay.

#

For a first timer, the Queen was a bang on aimer and the bombs all hit their targets. One of them even skipped inside the front door and bounced all the way through to the hall where Voldemort had gathered his followers and then detonated. The explosion ripped the house to pieces. Harry and Hermione took dozens of pictures from the rear turret for the papers.

"Well I bet Voldemort never saw that!" Harry remarked to a grining Hermione

**A/N:**

**Okay time for an explination. In the books it is mentioned that nothing electrical can work inside Hogwarts because of all the spells and charms. One assumes this applies to riddle manor. Therefore all they had to do was to bomb the place with a Lancaster Bomber – which has very little electrical components inside it. Besides, it was fun to have the entire flight sent up to the attack. All registry numbers are accuate to the planes currently in the Flight as well as the actual station**

**Pixel**


	4. The Power He Knows Not?

**The Power He Knows Not? Try The Power Of Interior Decoration**

Harry ran through the various aisles in the B&Q, dodged curses and found some cover. He hid under a bed as Voldemort stormed past him. He could hear Hermione fighting some of the Death Eaters. Wasting very little time, he crawled out from under the bed and hit Voldemort with a stinging hex the backside.

"Come and catch me!" he called, and the Dark Lord screamed and gave chase. All over the shop the deadly race took place, and Harry found the part of the shop he had scouted out earlier.

"So, Potter…" said what was once Tom Riddle. "Now you will die by my hand. Then I will kill your mudblood friend – but not before I rape her again and again" and he threw his head back and laughed mockingly. This gave Harry the time he needed. With a wave of his wand, Harry brought heavy metal shelves down on his head which cracked his skull open and killed him before he could make a shield or banish them. At that same instant, every Death Eater in the building and the entire country screamed in pain and then fell to the floor either dead or drained of magic and unconscious. The sound of running made Harry see Hermione ran over and hug him tightly, and then she saw Voldemort's broken body covered by what the shelves had contained.

"Lets just go" she suggested, and Harry agreed. Hand in hand they walked away and wondered what to say to the press. The Boy-Who-Lived looked back to the sign hung over the department and suddenly grinned at his girlfriend.

"I guess you could say it was curtains"

**A/N:**

**For those of you who do not know what B&Q is (readers living outside the UK) think of a large home furnishing store**

**Next: Snape Versus Head and Shoulders**


	5. The Yearly Governers Report

Dumbledore looked at the list of recommendations that the Board of Governors had made. It looked like the coffers of the school would be running low before the start of term this year.

**List of Improvements**

All first year boats are to be equipped with life preservers as standard.

Foods other then confectionary to be sold on the Hogwarts Express.

Central Heating to be installed through out the castle.

Quidditch Stadium to be renovated to include better seating, modern PA system and refreshment facilities.

Fencing to be placed around the Forbidden Forest in order to stop students from entering. It is dangerous for a reason!

Plumbing to be fixed in 2nd floor toilets.

New signage to be installed for the benefit of new students and visitors.

Review of currant school rules with regards to discipline.

Potions storage room to be equipped with new locks keyed only to members of staff.

Shampoos to be made freely available to all members of the Potions Faculty. (Well really Dumbledore… letting Snape have that much greasy hair! More grease on his hair then a kebab.)

Fluffy to be provided with three tons of fresh meat per day – 1 ton per head. If you want it guarding something, then at least feed the animal properly.

Complete review of History of Magic to be undertaken at next possible chance. With regards to History of Magic exams, the students have a ghost of a chance…

CPR to be introduced to Hogwarts immediately.

Molly Weasley to be banned from going near the school kitchens. The House Elves have only just finished counselling.

New range of sporting activities to be introduced at next possible moment.

Professor Snape to be reminded that a student saying 'Please kill me now' is not the said student giving him permission to cast killing curse on him.

Argus Filch to be purchased a new set of false teeth at no cost to himself.

Mr Harry Potter to be told that the command 'Hunt the Snitch/' is not an excuse to dress in a lion skin and carry a spear during Quidditch games.

Mr Ron Weasley to be told that the sentence 'Crabbe is being served at the Slytherin table' does not permit him to eat said student.

Over Christmas, St Mungos Mortuary will be closed teaching staff and Poppy Pomfrey are asked to keep pressure off this department.

The headmaster put the report down on his desk and thought that it might have been a mistake to have a suggestion box for the students


	6. EXTRA EXTRA – READ ALL ABOUT IT

**EXTRA EXTRA – READ ALL ABOUT IT**

**DARK WAR ENDS!**

_**In a dramatic ending to the Second Dark War, He-Who-Had-Previously-Not-Been-Able-To-Be-Named – aka Lord Voldemort – handed himself in under a general amnesty for Death Eaters and other such followers of the Dark Arts by Minister for Magic Fudge. Mr Voldemort, 71, has expressed a wish to open a care home for children and victims of his former evil ways. We at the **_Prophet_** wish Mr Voldemort all the best for his new venture – Interfering With Children's Lives Inc – in partnership with The Gary Glitter Corporation.**_

**_A/N:_**

I just thought I would post this little one so you could all get this message. There will be no more updates until a certain day. My longest serving reviewers will know (hopefully) what I mean if they look at a calendar. You will love what I have planned! NOTE: Decided to take Chapter 29 of _Leaving Home_ off and move it to Chapter 30 - the finale. Therefore, expect a chapter of fun in accordance with the Madness, Non Canonicity, Oddness and Doesn't Make Sense At All In This Story laws set down for this website by Me - Pixel and Stephanie Forever

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED


	7. WHWYGACDAMHWB5

**Of Beer, Mythical Creatures and Great Sci-Fi Shows**

Firenze was drunk, but he still managed to talk. The bad thing was when Harry and Hermione had got him drunk and then placed a memory of them watching Babylon 5 into his mind. When he met up with the other centaurs, he recounted the battle but muddled it up with and actual battle from the First War.

"The humans, I think, knew they were doomed. Where another race would surrender to despair, the humans fought back with greater strength. They made the Death Eaters fight for every inch of space. In my life, I have never seen anything like it; They would weep, they would pray, they would say goodbye to their loved ones, and then throw themselves without fear or hesitation at the very face of death itself, never surrendering. No one who saw them fighting against the inevitable could help but be moved to tears by their courage. Their stubborn nobility. When they ran out of brooms, they used wands, when they ran out of wands they used knives and sticks and bare hands. They were magnificent. I only hope that when it is my time, I may die with half as much dignity as I saw in their eyes in the end. They did this for two days - they never ran out of courage but in the end… they ran out of time"


	8. That's Right, Dorothy…

**That's Right, Dorothy…**

Things had been going rather well until the aircraft was hijacked by some men waving small machine pistols around. I could have simply stunned him, but that would have involved breaking several laws, and I wasn't in the mood today. Whilst he had shot the pilots, they had survived but the plane needed a new pilot. When the hijacker wanted someone to go up and fly the plane, I looked around and saw that nobody had the experience or had any idea how to fly. With a sigh, I unhooked my belt and slowly got up so I didn't cause the clearly crazed man any alarm.

"I can fly" I told him.

"Well get your fucking arse up here" the man said. I didn't need telling twice and made my way to the front of the plane. He gestured me into the cockpit and I took the pilot's seat whilst gazing at all of the dials and display readouts. I hesitated due to the fact I had never flown something like this before. "You said you could fly" the hijacker said, "But I think you're lying. I better kill you now" and I decided to tell the truth rather then a lie.

"Oh I can fly, but I was just making myself familiar with the cockpit. Whilst this is the same as any other of this type, planes all have their quirks" and the man seemed to accept this. I slipped on the pilot's headset, strapped myself in and settled back to watch the auto pilot doing the flying.

"You're sure you can fly this plane?" asked the man who seemed to be the leader.

"Well there should be two people qualified to fly the aircraft, but I guess you broke that rule" but the man didn't like my joke. He jabbed the gun into my ribs and told me to fly the plane.

"Just get us where we're going" he ordered.

"Where's that?" I asked.

"Heathrow" the hijacker said. I nodded in understanding, glanced at the gun and then turned to my cockpit displays. It took me five solid minutes of asking to get permission to talk over the radio.

_Coconut Airways 272 – Do you read me over?_

"Heathrow Airport from Coconut Airways 272. First of all, let me explain one thing to you. I am one of the passengers but am capable of controlling this aircraft. The hijacker leader is with me in the cockpit and can hear everything we are saying. Over".

_272 – Heathrow. We want to speak to the leader of the hijacking group_. The leader took the discarded co-pilot's headset, and held the mic so he could talk.

"This is the leader of the hijacking group. You may call me Mohamed. We are hijacking this aircraft in order to escape from our corrupt government in Afghanistan. We will hold this plane and its passengers and crew as hostages until we are granted political and personal asylum in the UK" and the people on the other side of the radio conversation seemed to be talking about something.

_We understand your concern, Mohamed. We see your plane on course to land at Heathrow, but the runways there are out of action because of bad weather. It would be too dangerous to attempt a landing there. We can divert you to another airport…_

"No!" said the hijacker leader. "We will land at Heathrow. Any attempt to stop us will result in the deaths of hundreds" and he left the threat idling over the airwaves. Nothing more came back from whoever had been talking, and I saw the distant lights of the airport ahead.

"I think you'd better strap yourselves in" I told him. With careful movements, I went through the normal manner of setting the flaps, reducing speed and lowering the gear. "Coconut Airways Flight 272 to Heathrow Approach. This is one of the passengers speaking. Request permission to land".

_Heathrow Approach to Coconut Airways Flight 272. permission to land is denied. I repeat: permission is denied. Assume a circular path and await further instructions_

"Approach from 272. I have many passengers – myself included, injured members of the flight crew and hijackers. One of them is with me now and seems to want to land here. I am going to make a completely normal landing, but request medical staff to be on stand by" and with the voices in the headset still talking to me, I put the plane on the ground. As I expected, a couple of Ambulances waited out on the ramp we had been put on. Things kicked off when the Army attempted to shoot through the window.

"Do something" the hijacker leader said. I didn't have a chance of shouting out because the Army would have shot me dead in a mistake. I leant over and flicked the radio on.

"MAYDAY…MAYDAY… this aircraft is under attack. MAYDAY… MAYDAY… Mayday? Why not Shrove Tuesday, or Ascension Thursday? 2nd sunday after pentacost" there was a pause until a new voice came over.

_Aircraft calling Mayday. What is your position?_

"My position is right in front of the tower"

_You are on the ground? This is most unusual_

"So is people shooting at me!" I shouted into the mic. "There are terrorists who are heavily armed and dangerous. I don't think they would be too upset about shooting us all on here" I added. At that point the Army burst in through the main doors with guns blazing and then I could hear Hermione's voice.

"Harry!" the world went black and then I saw Hermione's concerned face looking at mine. "You were having a nightmare" she added.

"Oh" I replied.

"Last time you eat cheese before bed" Hermione muttered.


	9. The Quickest End To The Dark War Possibl

**The Quickest End To The Dark War Possible**

Harry saw Voldemort standing with his Death Eaters around him, and he forced himself to be as calm as possible. The group started walking up the path to Hogwarts and Harry knew this was the tie to reveal himself.

"Afternoon" he said simply.

"Potter!" hissed Voldemort. "Noooo!" he said to his followers as they went for their wands. "I must defeat Potter by myself" and it was then that Harry dropped his wand. "Pick it up, boy. We wouldn't want you to lose the fight so quickly now would we?" Voldemort and his followers laughed. Harry's hand – the one with the weapon in his hand – remained hidden by the bushes.

"Ready?" he asked.

"But of course" replied Voldemort. "Say hello to your death"

"And say hello to this" and Harry brought up the BAR machine gun and fired until it was empty. When the smoke of the rapid discharge cleared, all the remaining Death Eaters had died. "Well… time for lunch"

**A/N:**

**Its your lucky day. I'm full of one shot stories for you to read. At least I can have at least a whole week to READ fanfics instead of just writing them.**


	10. Hang On! We've Seen This One Before!

Everyone looked at the sight that was sat on the Gryffindor tables in the Great Hall.

"Camelot" said Dumbledore in an awed voice.

"Camelot" said McGonagall – she couldn't believe her eyes.

"Camelot" said Flitwick – the tiny wizard thought he was on his way out.

"It's only a model" remarked Hermione.


	11. I Really Don't Give A Damn

**Killing Off The People You Want**

**Or**

**I Really Don't Give A Damn**

The people had been dragged outside the castle and taken down to the lake. The man in the emerald green robes waited for them. They all knew they would die, it was just a case of how. They soon found out as the man brought out a gun and aimed it at the six.

"Oh crap" said Ron, and the bullet took him between the eyes and he flew backwards from the force of the impact into the lake where mutated sea bass tore his body to shreds.

"Fiddlesticks" said Ginny. The bullet ripped into her chest and she joined her brother in death and fish food.

"Darn" said Neville and his stomach burst open before becoming the third course meal for the fish.

"SNORKACKS FOREVER!" yelled Luna as the life was taken from her just as easily as her head was removed from her shoulders.

"Kill me but not Mione" was Harry's dying plea. The man had reloaded the gun before emptying it into his body.

"Please no…" said Hermione in a whisper. The man actually seemed to consider the request before blowing Hermione away with a single bullet at point blank range. As he walked away from what remained of the six, Pixel regretted killing them all – especially Hermione, but decided that he didn't give a damn


	12. The Letter That Ended The Dark War

Harry chuckled to himself as he sealed the letter up and had it sent by one of the school elves. Hermione had been beside herself with laughter when Harry had told her of his plan. Ron had been less then thrilled though.

"One does not simply write to the Dark Lord" he had said.

#

Although Voldemort despised muggles, he did have a muggle television set in his quarters so that he could watch it. When Bellatrix - the only one who could get away with it - asked him why he had one when he hated muggles, he replied that he needed to know what they knew of the wizarding world and also what thier defences against an attack would be. One set of muggles he had told his Death Eaters to not harm and capture alive were four brightly coloured humans who appeared to have tv screens in their stomachs. If he could capture them, then he would be able tofind any people that had escaped the intial attack. He was watching something called '_Vanessa_' when there was a pop and Voldemort turned to see a Hogwarts elf standing in front of him.

"Lord... Lord Voldemort?" it stammered.

"Yes" said the Dark Lord.

"This is for you" and it handed over the letter before popping away.

"A letter for me...?" Voldemort was puzzled and opened the letter and wished at once that he hadn't bothered.

**LORD VOLDEMORT,**

**YOU ARE SUCH A NAUGHTY BOY! HOW DARE YOU ATTACK INNOCENT MEN, WOMEN AND CHILDREN? WHEN I SEE YOU, I AM GOING TO GIVE YOU A GOOD TALKING TO, A LONG SPANKING AND A GROUNDING FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! YOU HAD BETTER APOLOGISE FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!**

Voldemort shook in terror before picking up his wand and apperating to the Ministry and going straight to the Auror department. His appearance caused the Aurors to panic, but some kept enough sense to note that he hadn't started attacking any of them. they took his wand, snapped it at once and bound him in thick ropes and chains.

"Please arrest me and throw me in Azkaban" pleaded the Dark Lord.

"Why?" asked Madam Bones who had been summon the moment Voldemort had been spotted. In response he handed over the letter to her which began to replay the message. "I see..." Madam Bones mused. "Take him to Azkaban to await trial" the woman ordered, and the Aurors took away the man who was once the most feared man in all the country. Once he had gone, Madam Bones laughed her socks off and made a note to remind Harry and Hermione not to write Howlers with Molly Weasley's voice.


	13. Goblet of Fire Scene  Rewrite

"PROFESSOR MOODY!" McGonagall's voice rang out. "What are you doing?" she asked him

"Teaching" Moody was bouncing the ferret version of Malfoy up and down in the air.

"Is that… is that a student?" McGonagall asked.

"Er…no" Moody replied

"Oh" replied McGonagall "Just checking", and she turned away and walked off.


	14. Lord Voldemort's Other Diary…

**Lord Voldemort's **_**Other**_** Diary…**

_**September 2**__**nd**__** 1995**_

Woke up at 6am. Had breakfast with Peter and a few other followers. Read papers until half nine. Did some shopping at local shops. Went to Post Office to post off my subscription to Big n Bouncy. Came home and did some cleaning while listening to some Queen. Peter, Lucius, Antonin and the boys came round for the weekly poker session until half eight.

_**September **__**14**__**th**__** 1995**_

Up early this morning at half five, made sandwiches for picnic and took the broom out for my long delayed walking holiday. Met a nice muggle couple who asked if I was a muggle actor by the name of Ralph Fiennes. Had to say that I wasn't. Day spoilt by some of my Death Eaters killing them later. Came straight back home and grounded them all for a week.

_**September **__**22**__**nd**__** 1995**_

I hope Hermione Granger got her birthday present. I haven't heard from her, but I assume it's the owl getting lost again – this tends to happen. Made note to ask the Owl Office about this in morning.

_**Octo**__**ber 2**__**nd**__** 1995**_

Placed order with _Leaky Cauldron_ about a number of crates to be delivered for annual Halloween party. Will have to pay by cash… seems cheques are no longer taken in magical world.

_**November**__** 25**__**th**__** 1995**_

Looked under the robes of my Death Eaters, and found hundreds of dark marks. I banished them to their rooms to change into clan underwear and to wash their arses more often.

"We sooooooooooooooooo have to publish this" Hermione said.

"Oh, but of course" Harry replied.


	15. The Most Unnormal Day

**The Most Unnormal Day**

Harry woke up, showered, dressed and went for breakfast with Hermione.

"Bacon?" asked Hermione.

"I prefer Shakespeare" Harry replied.

"You know what I mean" his best female friend said.

"Well I do like bacon as you know" and Harry helped himself to a medium sized portion of bacon to go with his eggs. After they had finished, they went off to potions where they had a most enjoyable lesson. They had lunch and then went off to Charms which went swimmingly. Their last lesson was an hour of History of Magic which was alright if one discounted the fact a ghost was teaching the lesson. Harry and Hermione spent their spare time studying and writing a book together about everything that had happened to them so far in their lives. As they went to bed that evening, they thought how odd it was to have a completely normal day with no attacks by Malfoy, Snape, Voldemort, Bellatrix, Pettigrew or any of the other Death Eaters.

**A/N:**

And people say that I don't have a sense of humour!

**I have good news for my Regular and Semi Regular reviewers – Destiny shall return the first week of the New Year. Can't wait to get my hands on her and get back to a normal writing schedule. I had problems with my memory sticks again and so everything has been wiped off – luckily my old memory stick which has not been working for several months now works so I had a back up. This is now named Pandora as it keeps hope inside.**

**Thanks for all the reviews on Christmas Day!**

**To make it easier for you to know what I am doing, not only have I updated the list of fics I am working on, there is also a list of fics which are completed.**

**Regards**

**Pixel And Stephanie Forever**


	16. The Tracky Pointy Deathy

"We have no way of knowing where Lord Voldemort is hiding" Dumbledore said.

"Yes we do" said Harry and Hermione together.

"_Accio Lord Voldemort_" Hermione said, and then they waited and waited and waited. After an hour or so, a figure could be seen flying through the air towards them. It slammed through the window of Dumbldore's office and right into the sword of Gryffindor's that Harry was holding.

"That was easy" Harry said, and then he and Hermione went for lunch followed by three hours of Victory Sex.


	17. The Saddest Funeral Of All

**The Saddest Funeral Of All**

Harry watched as the coffin was carried in by Ron, Neville, Dean and Seamus. It was a tiny one, and was painted in the colours of Gryffindor. As Harry and Hermione stood at the small trestle table watching the progress, the Aurors lining the walkway stiffened and saluted sharply as the party passed. Hermione held Harry's hand and squeezed gently in support. The coffin reached the table and was placed gently upon it. Harry stepped towards the magical microphone and began to speak, all the while looking at the coffin with the tiny body inside.

"We have gathered here today to pay final respects to our honoured dead. And yet it should be noted in the midst of our sorrow, this death takes place in the shadow of a new light, the sunrise of a new world, a world that our beloved comrade gave her life to protect and nourish. She did not feel this sacrifice a vain or empty one, and we will not debate her profound wisdom at these proceedings. Of my friend I can only say this, of all the souls I have encountered in my travels, hers was the most… human." And Hermione led Harry away by the hand as the coffin rose into the air and was turned into a marble tomb. The Aurors fired a 21 wand salute before people made their way up to the castle.

"You alright?" Hermione asked him. Harry nodded before taking one last look at the tomb covered coffin.

"Goodbye, Hedwig" he said softly.


	18. The Taming Of Ron Weasley

**The Taming Of Ron Weasley**

It had been several days since the argument, and since that time, Ron had spoken only when needed and politely to Hermione. Harry was desperate to know what had happened, and he thought that she might have hit him as Ron was sporting a black eye.

"Mione?" he began.

"Something the matter, Harry?" Hermione replied.

"Its been a few days, and I haven't worked it out yet. How have you managed to get Ron to speak only when spoken to?" he asked.

"I confiscated his quidditch equipment" she said, putting down her book.

"That all?" he asked her.

"Of course, he had to make a song and dance over it. When I was taking them out of is trunk, he lunged for me, missed and whacked his face on the nightstand"

"That's it?"

"Yes. I suppose in this case you could I have Ron Weasley by his balls"

**A/N:**

**Another one shot for you to enjoy. I have some good news for you:**

**DESTINY IS BACK!**

**After taking 900 hours to transfer everything back to her systems, check each item's end of file marker and then move on to the next one, I am pleased to report that Destiny is now back online and working well. Turns out the error was in her boot up and starting commands, but it has been fixed now and she is all better.**

**Pixel**


	19. The Modification of a Weasley

"Is he asleep?" asked Hermione.

"Yup" Harry replied. "Come on up" and the pair of them snuck up and went into the sixth year boys dorm. They stunned the boy just to be certain, and then set about their work by removing his clothes and shaving his pubic hair off.

"Snape is going to freak about this" Hermione said.

"I know" Harry grinned slightly manically at the thought.

# # # # #

Ron couldn't understand why he was dressed in some kind of peasant clothing with what appeared to be his pubic hair glued to his feet. He had to make his way through the castle looking like that until he got to the Hospital Wing.

And why did all of the Muggle-Borns, Half Bloods and a few Pure Bloods keep pointing at him and call him a hobbit?

**For diimortal**


	20. Arrrrrrrrr

"Mr Potter" Snape sneered at Harry. "Can you explain the uses of a Bezoar?" and Harry shook his head.

"That I can be, yer greasy hair devil. The stone in question can give a person a chance from Davy Jones himself, Arghhhhhh" Harry replied.

"Ten points from Gryffindor for your rudeness, Mr Potter" Snape said. "Can anybody else explain three uses of Dragon's Blood?" he asked the class.

"The blood of a dragon can be used only in the cleaning of a ship's galley, polishing cannons and boiling to throw into the faces of your enemies, Argghhhhh" Hermione said. "Tis true it is a horrible and cursed life you be leading afterwards" she added.

Ten more points from Gryffindor" Snape said, but he was still no closer why the entire 6th year Gryffindor class had all dressed up as characters from muggle novels. They had come to breakfast this morning parading some kind of statue – appearing to be pasta and two large meatballs - around the great hall, and several members of the other three houses had realised the importance of the statue and had run out of the hall and also dressed like the Gryffindors. He wondered if it was some obscure muggle religion he didn't know about.

"We shall be taking a test now" he told his class.

"Beggin' yer parden" Dean Thomas drawled, "But ye'd be going into our good grog drinking time. I'lls be shivering thoust timbers if youst be doings that. Yo, ho ho and a bottle of rum" he added.

"The scurvey dog tried to make us do a test, so I say we give him the black spot" said Parvati.

_Black Spot, Black Spot, Black Spot, Black Spot, Black Spot_ chanted the Gryfindors.

"All hands be silent!" shouted Seamus. "Severus Snape, terror of the Hogwarts school, tried to give children a test. All those in favour of putting him on an island with a pistol with only one shot in it raise ye hands" and all of Gryffindor raised their hands.

"Call away a boat, and clap that man in irons" called a gleeful Lavender.

"Let us hold a feast to celebrate the going of this son of a sea witch" Ron suggested. Before he knew what was going on, Snape found himself being placed into heavy iron chains and dragged from his classroom by the Gryffindors with drawn swords. They put him into a boat and rowed him to the single island in the lake and gave him a pistol with a single shot in it.

"Try not to miss" Harry told him as they got into the boat again. "I'ds be hating to puts you outs yur misery" and the boat rowed off with Snape's yells behind him. The Students all wearing the same type of clothes paraded the statue around the great hall that evening and bowed to it.

"All hail the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and may we be touched by His Noodly Appendage" they all said in unison, and bowed again.

"NOW ON TO THE STRIPPER FACTORY AND THE BEER VOLCANO!"shouted several of them, and everyone rushed out the hall to the waiting coaches to take them to Hogsmeade. The group invaded the Three Broomsticks and the Hog's Head and ran riot over the entire village, causing no end of trouble for the DMLE – some engaging in actual swordfights with the magical law enforcers! That evening, and after reading all of the reports he had been sent, Dumbledore made the wisest decision he would ever make.

There would be no repeat of this year next year

**A/N:**

**A shout out to my fellow members of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. May we all be touched by His Noodly Appendage. I, of course, dressed up in full Pirate regalia as my religion calls for. I also did a full shift at work dressed in the same.**

**The Bestest of Regards, and may ye dance with the devil… yer bilge rats"**

**Pixel**

**Ramen**


	21. That's… Not What He Meant

**That's… Not What He Meant**

Harry was sat in Dumbledore's office, and the Headmaster looked at him with disappointment in his eyes.

"Harry, what you did was very serious. You know that what you did is against a number of school rules and broke a number of laws. Is there anything that can explain what happened?" Dumbledore asked.

"I stripped bare because Snape told me to" Harry replied.

"Are you certain?" Dumbledore's eyes widened with surprise.

"You, sir" Harry replied. "Snape told me to remove the layers from around me, and give him the naked truth"


	22. That's Not What She Meant

**That's Not What She Meant**

The screams had attracted the attention of Umbridge, and she watched as McGonagall, Flitwick and Sprout came running into her office – not knowing this was part of a plot to get rid of her.

"What is it, Minerva?" Umbridge asked.

"The students are revolting!" the Deputy Headmistress said.

"_FINALLY_!" Umbridge exclaimed, "Something we can agree on…"

**A/N:**

**One part of the annual Pixel and Stephanie Forever Christmas Bumper Release (patent pending)**


	23. Winds of Change – Alternate Endings

**Winds of Change – Alternate Endings **

**A/N: I originally had an ending that would shock most of my regular readers. I then went to one that I was not happy with, so here are all of them for you to read.**

_**Ending One – Ignoring and Disregarding a lot of events in the finished story.**_

"What happens if you win?"

"You would die"

"And if I win?"

"In that unlikely event" Voldemort said, "I would presume one of my followers would exact some sort of revenge against your first child"

"Easy to get around that" Harry circled around a little bit more. He wanted Voldemort in exactly the right spot.

"How?"

"Adopt"

"Oh" Voldemort was surprised, "I'd never have thought of that one"

"You know what I had planned?" Harry asked the Dark Lord.

"No, but I'm simply dying to know..."

"I had a speech all written out in the event I actually faced you. It went into the morals of defending against an all out attack. Into the roles of the attacker regarding the attacked. It was rather nice, you know. But... after seeing all these bodies littered around the school... I find it degrading and demeaning. So, I'm afraid, you'll not hear my big speech"

"Well I suppose you'd better kill me" Voldemort sneered.

"You're a remarkable man, Thomas Riddle, so I suppose I better had" Harry's wand came up. "Accio Godric Gryffindor's Sword" and the sword flew into the air and was lodged at high speed into Voldemort's body. Just as the blade pierced his flesh, the dark Lord hit Harry with a weakened cutting charm. The body of what was once a man dropped to the ground with the sword sticking out of his back like a flagpole. "Got him" Harry spat out blood, "...Bastard..." and sank to the floor. His last vision was of the doors opening and Hermione rushing in screaming his name.

#

The damaged school was evacuated as quickly as possible, the wounded taken to better facilities and clear up operations launched to arrest the remaining Death Eaters. The only seriously wounded occupant remaining was Harry who refused to respond to anything that Pomfrey tried. When one internal injury was sealed, another one would open up. He was losing a lot of blood, and that was of great concern as nobody could make Harry take a replenisher. Hermione stood with her parents as they watched the teams of Healers all work on the still form, but, sadly, it seemed as if nothing could be done. Whatever Voldemort had done, it was causing the organs to shut down and hinder efforts to restore his health.

"Miss Granger, I am sorry, but there is nothing that we can do now" Pomfrey said after the seventh hour straight.

"No…" Hermione buried her face into her mother's chest and started sobbing. "Isn't there anything you can do for him?" she mumbled.

"I can allow him to be awake until the moment he dies" Pomfrey said. "But that would cause him great pain, and he doesn't deserve that at all" she added.

"I want to see him" Hermione pulled away from her mother.

"I do not think that is very wise" said Pomfrey. "With your emotions as they are, they could cause Mr Potter to die"

"HE IS ALREADY DYING YOU FUCKING BITCH!" roared Hermione – stunning her parents, Pomfrey and the other people gathered there. "WHAT MORE CAN HURT HIM?"

"I can not let you harm my patient" said Pomfrey. "I am going to have to ask you to-" but whatever Pomfrey was going to say was cut off. The moment the older witch touched Hermione's shoulder, the younger one whipped out her wand and blasted the Nurse out the Hospital Wing, down the corridor and out through a shattered window.

"Slag" Hermione muttered, replaced her wand and moved to sit next to Harry. "Oh why does this have to happen to you, Harry?" she whispered. "You defeated Voldemort, you've done what was needed… Why can you not be allowed to enjoy the happiness that was to come?"

"Just my luck…" Harry said as he opened his eyes and looked dimly at his girlfriend. "I didn't think it would come to this" he said sadly.

"I didn't think that either" said Hermione. "Harry, I have something to tell you before you go"

"I know" Hermione opened and shut her mouth in surprise.

"You do?"

"I figured it was you that took the chocolate pudding from my dish"

"It isn't that" said Hermione with a faint smile. Harry, as normal, was thinking of others first. "Do you remember that time before all this started when we took a boat and, well, you know…"

"Yes…" Harry wondered why it was getting darker.

"Well I've got a problem" Hermione leant down and whispered.

"A baby? You're going to have a baby?" Harry was pleased for Hermione, but angry at himself for leaving her in the lurch like this. "I'm dying, aren't I?" and Hermione nodded.

"You're… too sick to get better" the girl let the tears run down her face.

"Life is a bitch, Hermione. I'm sorry I can't be around to help with the child, but I know the group will look after you. You are the named person in my will" Harry told her. And they hugged each other as they cried together.

"I promise to tell our son everything about his father" Hermione promised.

"A son?" Harry's eyes blazed with light for a moment before dimming again. Something behind Hermione caused her to look behind, but she saw nothing.

"Harry?" she questioned him

"Mione?"

"Mmm?"

"It was… fun" he said in a brief laugh. His eyes suddenly picked something out. "Oh my" and spoke no more. Hermione let loose such a wave of magic that it set earthquake detectors in every single country around the world off. It took a full three hours for them to get Hermione away from Harry's body, and it was after Neville and Daphne promised to ensure that no autopsy was carried out on him.

#

"We're ready whenever you are, Ma'am" said an Auror respectfully. Hermione nodded and continued making her final checks on the Firebolt. As she did so, she couldn't help but think about how Harry would have enjoyed one last flight on the Firebolt. Her mind also drifted to the funeral held for him a week after the Battle of Hogwarts, as the press had called it. Harry was buried by the lakeside at Hogwarts, and Hermione was planning and speaking to him when she arrived. A few minutes later, she stood with Harry's broom underneath her. If anybody would be riding it to retirement, then she would be the one to do it.

"London Broom, Good Morning. Firebolt Alpha Foxtrot at Diagon Alley. Requesting flight to Hogwarts" she spoke to the person that controlled broom flights over the capital.

"_Firebolt Alpha Foxtrot, Good Morning. London Broom. Flight to Hogwarts approved. All other take offs have been stopped until you have cleared airspace_"

"Thank you. Taking off in three, two, one… now" and Hermione lifted into the air with some of Harry's ashes mounted in a small urn on the broom handle. Harry would be getting his last flight after all.

"_Firebolt Alpha Foxtrot, climb and maintain flight level four. Weather information, clear and sunny skies. Firebolt Alpha Foxtrot, we have some traffic information for you. A flight of Aurors is joining you at your six. They will escort you part of the way and remain clear at all times_"

"Acknowledged, Alpha Foxtrot" Hermione glanced behind her and saw a flight of Aurors wheel in behind and assume formation on her.

"_Firebolt Alpha Foxtrot from Escort One. We're honoured to escort you and your cargo part of the way. We shall remain behind you to stop any interference_"

"Understood, Escort One" Hermione said.

"_We shall endeavour to keep up with you_" the Auror said.

"Want to bet?" Hermione asked, and pushed the broom to the very limit. The Aurors were left behind for several minutes until Hermione slowed and allowed them to catch up with her.

"_Firebolt Alpha Foxtrot from London Control. Final clearance to Hogwarts is granted. For the last time, come left to 010, climb and maintain flight level five. Contact Oxford on 118.9 Goodbye_"

#

"This is harder then it looks" Hermione muttered.

"Nothing to it" Harry said in her ear – even if it was just her imagination. "Come right by twenty degrees and steer 340" he said. Hermione did as her imaginary Harry told her, and found the broom handled better. She had encountered some turbulence passing over Hogsmeade, and figured it was the Anti-Muggle protections which she would encounter as she entered Hogwarts.

"Firebolt Alpha Foxtrot requesting permission for a flyby" Hermione knew it was in Harry's adventurous spirit. It would have been something that he would have liked very much.

"_Go for it_" said McGonagall's voice. Hermione flew over the broken castle and rolled as she passed over Harry's grave.

"Coming in for a landing" Hermione shook her head as she gave the broom a touch of the helm and brought it around – drifting towards the castle. With not a single trace of any bounce, she landed and shut the broom down as the group gathered around her.

"Do you think he liked that?" asked Daphne. As if in response, a light wind picked up and scattered leaves around.

"I think Harry said yes…" and Hermione went into the school to start a life without Harry.

# # # # #

_**Ending Two**_

**This was an ending that almost made it to the finished version, but I decided to go with another thread. This ending would missed out by the toss of a penny – so it was that close. Some of it made it, however, to the finished chapter – mainly the flying idea.**

Harry Potter watched the ground flying underneath him as he sped through the air on his Firebolt. After some thought, he had decided to donate his Firebolt to the museum built to commemorate the war. He was going to take it on one last flight before putting it on a sealed glass display case.

"_Firebolt Alpha Foxtrot, you are cleared to land at Hogwarts. Come right to 340 – ahead half speed_"

"Understood" said Harry. He turned the broom towards the repaired castle, slipped through the wards and gently landed on the lawn in front of the main doors.

"Attention!" called one of the Aurors. "Face to front. CnC, Devon" and the line of Aurors saluted Harry – a gesture he returned in kind.

"Mr Potter, I am glad you made it safe and sound" Professor McGonagall said.

"As am I, Professor. As am I" Harry laughed. They strode to the building which housed the museum for the ceremony. It was brilliant and made a big mention of those lives lost to the battle, and he could not believe that it was ten years to the day he had killed Voldemort.

#

"All the time I was Headmaster, I don't think I ever came in here" Harry said, looking around the staff room. He had been invited in with Hermione for a drink with McGonagall and the rest of the DA.

"Well this place is mine" said the Headmistress. "Don't think you can claim it back from me" she added with a smile.

"I wouldn't even want this mouldy place" Harry shot back.

"Good" Hermione said. "Besides, I want you to spend a lot of time in our bed"

"Yes, Mistress" Harry hissed.

"How is your new job going, Mrs Potter?" asked McGonagall.

"Hermione, please, Minerva" Hermione smiled. "I am having a good time dealing with Muggle Relations, as it happens. We're working with the Prime Minister on a number of ideas that we ho-" Hermione was cut off by a loud booming noise.

"An explosion in the main potion lab" said McGonagall. "Quite a few people in there. Gas spreading through the classroom" and Harry grabbed Hermione's arm and vanished on the spot.

#

"Is that all?" asked Hermione. Harry had brought out the last person a moment before, but he was unsure if everyone was truly out.

"I better check" he said, and went back inside the swirling cloud of gas. As he did so, the wards kicked in, slammed the door shut and begin venting the entire classroom of gas.

"HARRY!" Hermione shouted. "Open the door" she demanded from McGonagall.

"I can't" the older witch said. "The ward is designed to work until the entire gaseous content of the classroom is vented"

"All of the gas?" and McGonagall nodded.

"What about oxygen?" Hermione asked, and the Headmistress's eyes widened in horror and the pair started blasting away at the door – joined by the rest of the old DA.

#

When he heard the gas being vented, he knew what was going to happen to him and so he sat on a chair and waited for the end. In his mind, he wondered what Hermione was going to tell him after the ceremony if a reporter had not barged in and ruined the moment.

"What a way to go" Harry said aloud. "I suppose we all have to pay the ferry man some time" and waited for the end to come.

#

"He would have been in little pain, if any, at all, Miss Granger" Pomfrey was comforting Hermione. "I do not know if this helps in any way or not, but he saved the lives of seven students. If they had been in that gas for a minute longer, they would have been no hope of saving them"

"He died doing what he believed in – saving people at all costs" McGonagall said.

"I know, but to survive Voldemort and then die like this…" Hermione shook her head.

"I understand there is nobody to take care of his family issues, at the moment" McGonagall continued. "And that would include his burial. I know that Mr Potter considered Gryffindor House to be his home. With your permission, I'd like to lay him to rest below it" and Hermione smiled.

"He would like that" she said. "But I suppose he would have liked my news even better" the girl added as she kissed Harry's cold forehead and pulled the sheet over his head.

"What is that?" asked both elder witches at the same time.

"I'm carrying his child"

#

A service was held in Harry's memory, followed by a private funeral by invited people only. As the DA stood together to protect and support Hermione, they wondered what life would be like without Harry.

"I can't believe he is gone" Hermione sobbed into her mother's side. "I just don't think I can go on" and there was a long silence.

"He isn't really gone" said Fliss, quietly, "Not so long as we remember him"

#

The grief felt by Hermione was so much that she lost the baby. This, and Harry's death had driven her to suicidal limits. Over the following three months, she tried to kill herself on no more then twelve times, and it depressed her parents and friends to see the brilliant girl act like this. It was, however, Fliss, Charity and Bubbles that came up with the solution on their own, and the three of them launched a raid on Hermione's hospital room.

It would have done the SAS proud!

After knocking out all of the guards and most of the medical staff at St Mungos, they had taken Hermione from her room and taken her to Harry's grave.

"Harry is not coming back" Fliss said. "He wouldn't want you to act like this – would he?" and Hermione shook her head.

"How can I live without him?" she whispered.

"How could he live with you?" Fliss replied. "Easily – he overcame and adapted to what happened to him"

"But it is so hard…" Hermione said. Fresh tears ran down her face as she looked at the marker stone.

"Didn't somebody once say that the secret to living life is to live it?" Fliss asked. Hermione sniffed as she regarded the girl in front of her.

"Maybe you're right" she said at last. "But it is going to be hard… It is going to be so very hard"

"Let us help" said McGonagall. Hermione turned around to see the Headmistress, the DA and her parents all watching her. Mr Granger held out his arms and hugged his daughter in comfort.

"Lets go home" he said. "We'll take a nice long break away from all of this. You can come back here _only_ if you want to" and Hermione looked oddly at her father.

"Of course I have to come back" said Hermione. "Who else would look after his grave?"

#

Hermione would tend Harry's grave every day for the next hundred and fifty years, and she never forgot the good times she had had with Harry for that entire time. When she died, it was agreed by all of their surviving friends that she should be buried alongside him so they could spend eternity together.

# # # # #

_**Ending Three**_

**Inspired by the episode Call of Silence from Season 2 of NCIS**

"You know something, Jess?"

"What?" asked Jess.

"I didn't know you had to take lessons in Japanese to order from the menu"

"You don't have to speak Japanese – you just accept what's in front of you with a smile" Jess replied.

"Brilliant…" the man's eyes rolled round. He would have said something else, but a man came through the wand detector and set a number of alarms off.

"I hope this doesn't mean I can't come in. Now just hold your horses. I wasn't going to hurt anybody with it - its evidence" said the man as he took out his wand and put it on the desk in front of him. The two Aurors looked at each other before Jess shrugged.

"Your turn, Dave" she said.

"Come on in" said the Auror. He got his wand and started to cast detection charms around him – passing the wand over his body slowly. When it got to his neck, he found it vibrated quite a lot. "You wearing jewellery?" he asked.

"Oh, yeah" the main rubbed his neck. "I forgot" and reached into his shirt and pulled out a long ribbon with metal on the end.

"Merlin…" breathed the female Auror. "That is an Order of Merlin 1st Class with a Ruby. Less then twenty have ever been handed out" she said. "Senior Auror Jessica Parker, DMLE. Mister…?"

"Potter" said the man. "Harry Potter. Senior Auror, huh?" he rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Just the woman I am looking for"

"It would be an honour to help you, Sir" said Parker.

"Say that after you know why I am here" the man said.

"Is that something to do with the 'evidence' you are bringing in?" asked the woman kindly. The front desk of the Ministry sometimes got people thinking they had brought important stuff in, but they were all a little mentally unbalanced. The man straightened to look into her eyes.

"I killed someone with that wand"

#

"Smith, make Mr Potter comfortable" the head of the DMLE himself said.

"Yes, Sir" and Auror took Harry to a chair.

"If you want to make me comfortable, why not slap a pair of cuffs on me?" he asked.

"How abut something else?" asked Smith.

"Any good at back rubs?"

"Sir? Are we really going to investigate this?" an Auror looked at Harry who was talking with Smith.

"No" replied the Director.

"Ah" said the Auror.

"But we'll humour him" the Director added. "Jones, he says he has been reporting this for the last three weeks. Told me that he couldn't get anybody to believe him"

"What a surprise…"

"Find out who was on call that day and get hold of the Floo call recording" the Director turned to another person. "Tony, dig up Mr Potter's records"

"How? Got a security number I could use?"

"I don't think they had them when he was younger" the Director said.

"Then how?"

"If it is really Harry Potter, you can get his details by checking his address"

"Sir, I don't think he knows what his broomstick registration code is"

"HARRY POTTER!"

"YES?" Harry shouted back.

"BROOM NUMBER!"

"ONE SEVEN ZERO ONE SEVEN FOUR SIX FIVE SIX"

"Or" the Director said, turning to look back at the Auror, "You could look under Order of Merlin 1st Class recipients"

"He won a First Class?" the Auror looked back at the old man.

"You don't win the First Class" the Director told him. "You are awarded it for going above and beyond the call of duty"

#

Some time later, and most of the DMLE had found an excuse to pass by the office with Harry inside it. It was not, after all, every day that you met a living legend.

"Sir, we've found records of Mr Potter's calls to the DMLE and direct to the Auror offices" said Smith.

"What do they say?" asked the Director.

"He keeps claiming to have killed somebody called Luna Lovegood. We did some checking, but we can't find anybody with that name. We checked the records and found nobody alive with that name. We did find a Rebecca Lovegood, but she is alive and well"

"Do you know when he killed her?"

"If his memory is correct…" muttered Smith. "He says he killed her over a hundred and fifty years ago – nearer two hundred"

"Then he would have paid for his crime already…" mused the Director. "Check records for that period, and see if you can find a Luna Lovegood. Check out the education department first" he added.

"Director!" another Auror came rushing into the offices.

"What is it?"

"I found the citation from back in Minister Fudge's days" and the Auror handed the slightly aged parchment over. The Director looked it over and let out a gasp of astonishment.

"Lord Harry James Potter, Student, Gryffindor House at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Hogwarts Castle and Grounds, Sixteenth June, Nineteen Ninety-Five. In combat littered with bodies and magical booby traps, Harry Potter led an attempt to rescue Luna Lovegood from captivity whilst Death Eaters and followers of Lord Voldemort were attempting to infiltrate under the cover of darkness. He immediately waged a fierce battle during which cutting and grenade spells gravely wounded his right hand, fractured his thigh and caused severe internal injuries. Near exhaustion from profuse bleeding, he continued to defend his forward position, engaging in hand-to-hand combat when he was out of magical power. At battle's end, Harry Potter was found amid the bodies of twenty six Death Eaters, four Goblins and Lord Voldemort whom he had killed in his self-sacrificing defence of innocents. We are forever in his debt…"

"Gods…" said somebody.

"He started calling four months ago after he said his wife died" said Tony, and they all looked at him.

"What?" Harry asked.

"We just heard about your wife, Mr Potter. You have our condolences" the Director said.

"Thank you. Marrying Hermione was the second best thing to have happened to me" Harry said.

"What was the first?"

"Meeting her" Harry laughed – the first laugh in a long time. "So, when do I get locked up?" he asked.

#

"It is very rude to keep an old person waiting" Harry said.

"We're still looking into your story" said the Director.

"It is not a story" said Harry. "I killed her, and I did it without thinking about it"

"Why not tell me about it?" said the Director.

"Then will you lock me up?" Harry asked hopefully.

"Maybe"

"Mmm" Harry sounded untrusting. "The fighting was terrible. A lot of people had been evacuated after the Death Eaters and their allies had taken over. I was going to be one of the last ones out of Hogwarts. The school was badly damaged and almost a complete loss. We'd tried to hold on to as much as possible, but nothing that we did seemed to work. The second to last group was just about to go when I found out two things. The first was that Luna had been taken by the Death Eaters, and that some of the Portkeys had been broken and therefore could not be used. I refused to let her be left behind, and a few of the others agreed to stay behind. Susan Bones, Seamus Finnegan and Dean Thomas elected to join me. We had to fight a desperate battle just to get out of the room we were in, and Seamus was badly injured. None of us had any kind of medical training, so we just did what we could and left him behind. We found Luna being dragged by a Death Eater to Voldemort. He was hoping that he could use her mental abilities to find where we were now hiding. I saw her, saw the only way in or out of the room the bastard was in, raised my wand and killed her"

"Killed Miss Lovegood?"

"Yes" Harry nodded, tears running down from his eyes. "I just blasted a hole right through her…" he looked at his hands. "I've still got her blood on these" but the Director knew he was only thinking it.

"Let me see what is going on" and the Director stepped outside and went down the corridor. "Anything?" he asked.

"Only that there was a Luna Lovegood, and that she did die during the Battle of Hogwarts" said Parker. "Sir… there _is_ something that you should see" and she activated the portable viewing globe – something like a Pensieve. It activated with a swirling cloud before settling on the image of Harry being questioned by a pair of Aurors. "This is what happened when we asked him how he supposedly killed Lovegood"

"_I pointed my wand and I killed her with it. I smashed her apart! Luna… I blew a hole right through her… I slaughtered her without a thought! I was totally covered with blood_!" and the recording showed Harry heading into a break down.

"What happened?" asked Parker.

"He was remembering something he had done. Something I think he had to do" the Director said.

"How do you know?"

"You ever been in a full scale combat?"

"No, Sir. I haven't had that privilege yet"

"Then I hope you never have to. What he did was make one of the worst decisions you could ever make – kill a friend to complete your mission" and the Auror mused on that one for several moments.

"If it is proven that he killed Lovegood without good cause, what could happen?"

"Trial and imprisonment" said the Director. "And a loss of his Order of Merlin"

"I hadn't thought of that" said Parker.

"And neither has Potter. And there's worse. A hero… could go to the grave carrying a guilt he doesn't deserve. I won't let that happen to him" and a disturbance cause him, Parker and a few others to go back out into the corridor. "What is going on here?" he asked.

"We have orders from the Minister to arrest Harry Potter" said an Auror.

"Countermanded"

"I'm afraid the orders came directly from him" and the Auror reached out to grab Harry's arm. As he did so, Parker fiddled with Harry's robe so that it opened out and showed what was around his neck.

"Ten Hut!" and the Aurors saluted Harry and the Order he wore around his neck.

"Now I don't know about you" said the Director, "But I think the Minister can wait a few minutes to have him"

#

"So I didn't kill her?" asked Harry.

"Well you did, but it was a mercy killing really" said the Director. "You are a good man, Mr Potter. That Order of Merlin you wear confirms that to anyone that doubts you" he looked at Harry. It had taken some time, but they had shown Harry Luna's memories of the event, and her thoughts captured before her brain had degraded too badly. He had never seen them before, and finally had the shadow lifted from his mind. "If there is anything that we can do…?"

"How can I be really sure?" Harry asked.

"I don't know. You said that you and your wife were married at Hogwarts. Who was your first choice of Chief Bridesmaid?"

"Oh, that would have been Luna. She said there were no hard fe…" Harry trailed off as he smiled at a long remembered memory. "She told Hermione she had a crush on me, but that she had no hard feelings towards her"

"Sir, you did what you did what you had to do to save the magical world. No other reason" the Director said. "Is there anything that we can do for you?" he asked again. Harry thought for a long time but shook his head.

"I'm just an old man now" he said, "And I'd like very much to go home"

#

Free of doubting and pain, Harry died just a few hours later. A full state funeral was held for him, and hundreds of thousands of people filed past his coffin to pay their respects. After the service, he was carried by members of Hogwarts to his resting place alongside his beloved wife, Hermione. As his coffin was lowered into the ground, the current Gryffindor Quidditch team flew overhead – the Seeker peeling off and turning away towards the setting sun.

Harry Potter was at rest, and it was much deserved.

_**Ending Four**_

**Didn't get past the thought stage, but would have involved the Power Rangers, the cast from Playdays and Thomas the Tank Engine**


	24. The Fourth Unforgivable

**The Fourth Unforgivable**

The two powerful wizards faced each other on opposite sides of the devastated Hogwarts Great Hall, watched the other for hints of attacks and taunted the opposing wizard. Harry's only hope was that Voldemort didn't know of the fourth unforgivable which he and Hermione had found in a book written over fifty years ago.

"Willing to give up, Harry?" Voldemort sneered.

"I will give you one last chance, Tom. Surrender and put an end to all this madness…"

"Never"

"Alright" Harry shrugged, "You asked for it…" and raised his wand and began the incantation. His wand glowed with a power that not even Voldemort had experienced before, and the effort drained Harry by a lot – which he thought was needed to complete the most terrible of the Unforgivables – so horrific it was not generally known of.

"What is this?" Voldemort growled as two man in pinstripe suits, bowler hats and carrying matching leather briefcases appeared out of the light.

"Tom Riddle?" asked one.

"That is no longer my name"

"According to our records it still is" said the second.

"Die!" Voldemort cast the killing curse but it simply bounced off the pair.

"That simply is not cricket" said the first.

"He does seem a little uncouth" agreed the second.

"Who are you?" Voldemort asked.

"Your worst nightmare" Harry said, laughing manically as the two men stepped closer to Voldemort.

"Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs. We're here to collect unpaid taxes" they said in unison.

"Tax men?" Voldemort whispered – the full horrors suddenly hitting him. "DAMN YOU POTTER!" he screamed at Harry's retreating form. "DAMN YOU TO HELL!"


	25. The Alternative Ending To Deathly Hallow

**The Alternative Ending To Deathly Hallows**

The two powerful wizards had faced each other on opposite sides of the devastated Hogwarts Great Hall, but only one could win the battle that would kill the other. The body of the fallen lay on the floor like a broken puppet with its strings cut.

"Harry's dead" said Ron. "We need a new plan"


	26. Things That Never Appeared In The Books

**Lines Removed From Harry Potter…**

As he stood looking at the old man in his robes, clutching and stroking his wand tightly, Harry regretted transferring to Catholic School

#

"Harry, I'm having a baby and it's yours" said Professor McGonagall

#

Ron's eyes met Harry's.

"_This is better then Quidditch_" his eyes seemed to say

#

"Now" said Dumbledore, "You have everything that you need to go and fight Voldemort. But, before you go, you just have to fill out this Health and Safety risk assessment form"

#

"Do you realise, Sir" Harry spat out, "That I have been living with muggles who take great delight in abusing me?"

"My gods…" Dumbledore breathed – he hadn't know. "What have I done…?" and killed himself.

#

"Harry, I'm having a baby and it's yours" said Professor Snape

#

"Minerva, are you putting on weight?" Pomfrey asked McGonagall.

"No" the deputy headmistress said. "Poppy, have you seen Miss Granger at all?"

"Why?"

"I just need to talk to her about that blasted cat…"

#

The giant saw the figure in the bed, became aroused and started to strip off his clothes. Once naked, he climbed into the bed and made love to the figure – feeling the tightness around his length.

Professor Flitwick needed a lot of counselling after Hagrid's visit.

#

"Mr Potter…" McGonagall said, shaking her head, "When I said to go out there and kill the other team, I wasn't being literal…!"

#

"I'm in labour" Hermione groaned.

"I'm a liberal myself" Harry grinned

#

"I wish to see my vaults" Harry said.

"Do I _look_ like a Genie?" Griphook replied.

#

"If I could go back in time" Lavender said, "I would love to go back to the 1920's and see all the fashion things there"

"I'd love to go back to the Roman times and talk to Caesar" Hermione replied.

"I'd go back to September 3rd 1939" Harry said. "Pay a visit to Hitler and tell him he can't lose"

#

"I'll get the Snitch" said Harry to Hermione. "You drill out his kneecaps"


	27. What Gryffindors Do When They Get Bored

**What Gryffindors Do When They Get Bored…**

"Hand me that wiring would you, Seamus?" Harry asked - both hands deep into the metal framework.

"Red or blue wiring?"

"Red" Harry replied. "And bring us some of that solder too, while you're at it…"

"The ramps have turned up" Hermione said, resizing a package she took from the newly arrived Hedwig. "I'll mount them to the arms" she added.

"Harry?" Lavender called from way over the other side of the workshop.

"Yeah?" he looked up and over to her.

"You want carbon composite panels or steel?" the girl asked.

"Carbon, Lav" Harry wiped his hands on his overalls. "When did the Weasley twins say they could come by with the compressed gas?"

"Some time tonight or tomorrow" Dean said, finishing the crest that would go on the creation.

"Mmm… Well so long as they get it by the end of the week" Harry replied.

"Harry? I can get you a cobalt titanium outer skin if you want it" Lavender called over.

"Oh…!" Harry jumped up and down on the spot. "Gimmie, Gimmie, Gimmie, Gimmie!" he cried.

"Calm down" Lavender smiled and started casting the correct spells. Harry did so and turned his attention to the making of the tires. He had to make them reasonably large, but small enough to fit inside the armoured glass covers that protected them from incoming weapons. He was looking forward to unleashing the monster on his unsuspecting enemies.

#

"… and from Hogwarts Academy in Scotland" the announcer called out, "Death Eater" and the robot trundled into the arena.

"You know" Harry shrugged as he ran a test of the back up control system for the weapons, "I think we've got Muggle Studies in the bag this year"

"Yeah" Hermione replied, "And we got to enter Robot Wars as well"


End file.
